No Name

I have always felt trapped in my own home. That is ever so litteral. Where some people are out an about with friends or a job Im stuck here in Queens. I dont like my clothes so I ask to go shopping. Mind you the last time I went shopping I 2 pairs of jeans and a sweater...wowness I know right, what a wardrobe.

Im not a big clothes shopper, but Im so sick of having to wear the same thing over and over. Take into mind I have had the same wardsrobe since the 6th grade...Clothes that I;ve had for years are still here. Meanwhile my mother is shopping for her TRIP TO VEGAS??????

Now this is my question...She tells me, "Oh money is tight." But your planning a whole trip to vegas on what...Thin air?

I havent gone anywhere except that senior trip an that was all the way in March. But since the time I was in High school my mother has gone on more vacations then anyone I know. A cruise, trip to Jamaica, Trips all over the god damn place and the most out of the way place I've been to was P.R. and take into mind that was almost 5 years ago. Im so sick an tired of here being such a hippocrit. She spouts off we have to spend money wisely. How about my college fund huh? Never got started on that dear old mom. Never had an account stashed off somewhere where normal people would save off for a kids college.

Because apparently I went to a private school they have no money left over for college so instead of going to the colleges that have accepted me I have to go to BMCC...Now I dont mind this at all, but the fact that she never saved money for me to go anywhere else but one place is killing me. She said, "Well we were counting on your grades to get you a scholarship."


All the parents out there....WHO SAYS THAT TO A KID???

I personally wanna know who says that to a kid, if you do I know your kid probably hates you and resents you as fuckin much as I hate both my parents right now. I have an average of a 75...a 2.0...a C student and you know what Im happy with that. Some people would dream of that one let me tell you, especially people from my school. Now Im sitting here tring to keep my controle about me so that I dont punch another hole in the walls of my room. But I have to get out of here. Nothing is worse than feeling trapped in your own home, nothing is worse than feeling you have no control over your life and everyone else wants to take a peice of you with them no matter how hard you try to fight.

I just want to define myself. Every teen wants to. Im 18 years old, dress still like Im a 13 year old in horrible clothes and horrible hair. My mother is an oversensitive, control freak who finds nothing better than to show how the world can smile to your face and at the same time stab u in the gut. My father that is an immature asshole who puts on airs and throws a temper tantrum whenever something doesnt go his way. My brother the gluttonouse pig who thinks hes older than me when in fact I am his elder by six years. They need a reality check that Im not always gonne be here to take the bullshit from them and the minute that sinks in then maybe just maybe I can talk to them on a real level. Till then Im sittin on the floor with my trusty laptop mini writing my words to how I feel. :) What fun


see ya around...

"If you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all"

I find this rich in irony. The minute I ask for something it is given to me, and I appreciate that. BUT It is held over my head. The minute I say something against my parents or to them they pull up EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING. "Remember that ipod for xmas, remember that LIRR pass every month, remember that laptop mini last yr, remember the money I give you every month for lunch." I know you do these things but I do not need to be reminded of it. Makes me feel like crap and it makes you look like a class A act for estrangment.

Now here is where the wonderful drama kicks into high gear. Today I went to Manhattan to see a show. The show was great but I had this chick that kept clinging onto me. Was a bit irratated when I got back, I was reminded I was going back which did me in. I hate my home as you all by now undoubtedly know. Not like Im abused, not like im beaten, its just I hate these four walls. A house is not a home when you slowly begin to despise the walls that keep the rest of the world out. When you start hating the people in those walls is when you need to GO!

But still the drama up ahead

Now as I get in the car my brother is bitching hard about not going to the movies. We are supposed to see a movie I guess (my fathers bday...mind you I hate the bastard with every fiber of my being.) I completly space an dont tell him a happy bday.....my bro works on my nerves so hard I snap at him an tell him hes an idget. Mom turns to me an says stop being so high an mighty hes only 12.... Thats right the boy is 12, so he shouldnt be acting like a 5 yr old. My parents have spoiled him since he was about 3 monthes old, and now its waaay to late to break him of his habits. That rubs me the wrong way, I say Im not being high an mighty Im stating the facts he needs to stop. If my mother wasnt half brain dead from dealing with my father she would see it.

Now I get home and leave them (mom an dad) in the car cuz they love sittin out there in the dark. Me personally I hate sitting out there get out my keys walk in an lock the door...They come in an I am laying down.

Mother comes in, "Did you wish your father a happy bday?"
"No"
"Go wish him a happy bday"

walk into his room after I change and look in. Hes watching tv (looking his brain dead self, dont even aknowledge i came in an I noe he heard me an saw me cuz my mom asked me what in her usually High and Mighty tone, talk about irony)

"Dad?"

I assume he is zoned out on tv so I wait a while for a commercial. Facial expression does not change so I take it hes mad at something. Automatic responce to anger: GET OUT NOW! With my father he throws a temper tantrum if he doesnt get his way. I already have to deal with his son on a daily basis, no need for me to be pained by him. I walk away...moments later

Mom: You know if you dont say something from the heart dont say it at all
me: Fine
Mom: He does a lot for you you know
me: Like what?
Mom: For your bday he called ur grandma asking if she will come an cousins, got you that cake

I wanted to laugh....One my grandma always comes on my bday duh! I called her a few days prior an asked her an my cousins. Next, my dad asked his mother to get him a peice of cake cuz he didnt even eat the cake he got me or the red velvet cake cuz he didnt like it...how much of a bitch do u have to be to pull a stunt like that? Let me tell you a pretty big one.

And to top it off, I DONT LIKE MY FATHER. I have never been daddys little girl cuz at an early age I saw he was an asshole with nothing better to do then to piss other people off. He always wanted a boy, and that hung as a reminder that he is a sexist bastard. When I struck out as a kid I was met with greif everywhere I went. So I always resented him with a passion. This year I can safely say my father is dead to me. The minute he put his hands on me a few months back (not something I forget) I swore that bastard was dead to me, an that will never change. My mother I can forgive, my brother is turning into my father so idk yet about him if he doesnt change soon i really doubt it.

And if Im to stay here for another 2 years I have a plan, move the hell out. No way am I staying here in this house for another 2 years without telling someone off. And by my 3rd year if I dont have a place I plan on moving in with a freind. I cant take this for another 4 years. I've waited for college all my life to be free and be my own person. Live life like I want and be free, im not saying party, just the little things

I wanna come home an their will be food in the fridge I saw this morning instead of empty bottles and wrappers.
There wont be clothes tossed everywhere
Loads of laundry that could kill someone
bathrooms that are beyond disgusting
A tv that never shuts off
and maybe just maybe a break from the bodique music. Im hispanic yes but damnit Ive had enough please. Cant we play something new? Like some Beethoven (excuse misspellings, I am a bit angry) I adore classic music, but no one else in my entire fam does. Idk why Im so diffrent from everyone else and somethimes I see it as a hinderance. But then again if I was as ignroant as my father or as high and mighty as my mother id be just like them...i shudder to think about that.

The Battle of Lightning and Ice

Carmen felt the pull of wind and icy rain tug around her body. Kepping her stance she looked at the target. The boy weilded the lightning with such ease it was like a whip darting out at every point. She moved as quickly as she could against the wind and turbulance. This kid was making things so difficult. A storm bringer of all the people, and a powerful one at that. His power reading was going threw the roof and she could barely move under its massive weught Siding from side to side she calculated her next move. The lightning arched around the boys body..arche left left right down.

He had a weak side on his right, his arm barely moved, probably tdue to some accident years ago. Getting on the oppertunity she lurched forward, swords drawn. Deflecting every attack he threw at her she kept her eyes on the target

left
left
Dodge an attack

right down...the opening was there! As the lightning whip arched downward her sword clashed with it. Her second plowed into the ground. With her sheer force cut threw the beam and as it seperated so did the boys concentartion. Carmen had moved so quickly he hadn't even seen that she was heading for his weak spot. Letting lose a twisted scream the strand broke and the deafining sound.

The room arund them blazed white for a few seconds, Carmen sheilded her eyes at the sheer force. As the world came back into focus she could smell the burning ozone around her. The room was burned and cynders were all that remained.

Insecure chicks piss me off

Havent blogged in a good minute. What with all thats been going on I scarcely find time. But 2 days ago was my birthday and since then Ive had distraction after distraction. Me an my school had a little trip to go on and we went. On the bus there was this guy ahead of me, when I poked him I caught him in the neck he asked me 2 massage his nack cuz he had a crique in it. I've known this guy since about freshman year an he is harmless. So I gave it no thought. I messed with him on the way back, an pulled his scrunchie out (Long nice hair) an laughed with him an all...

Here comes the pain.....

His girl, (remain by the name of Alice) text me 2 days later 2 "Stay away from her boyfriend, and if I respected her enough I wouldnt mess with him anymore or massage his neck."

I was floored

1, she came out the neck with a text message. I just lose so much for people when they use text message to talk 2 others about something that is bothering them. She coulda told me on the trip instead of being a little girl. Next, it was harmless, and he asked me 2. So instead of talking to me she shoulda been asking her man to dont ask. I am a friendly person, and a bit innocent when it comes to things. Next when I told her wats up she said "I would rather keep my cool and text. and keep this on the DL (down low: secret)"

I was so tempted to forward this to her BF. She is so self centered its a wonder. But I know why she told me that at the very least. She knows damn well that if it gets back to him she is in deep shit. He will ask her why shes being this way an it would be a big argument. Now Im half angry and half pitting her. This girl is gorgeous...I mean this and I dont say this about a lot of people. She could me a model how shes built, tall, fair hair, and a wonderful face. How is she threatened by me or any girl that comes in her BFs path? I noe hed never cheat cuz hes just that way so wats up. I hate that girls that are beautiful an built way better then me are scared and threatened by me or ppl not even on their lvl. My entire weekend is ruined cuz of this stupidness, an Monday Imma have to deal with her an she is always around her bf an we have 2 frees togethr...damn....

Now I cant talk 2 her about how I feel cuz 1 of 2 things will happen. 1 She will fly off the handel say somethings that she will regret and I will leave this school on a very bad note. Or 2, Imma get mad after a while and have to bite my tongue b4 I kill her. I hate being the older one in every single confrontation, which seems 2 be some chick not wanting me anywhere near their BF....I have no clue y there scared of me. I have dark circles, nappy hair, and not at all light. Other than a big bust I dont have much. That just pisses me off, perfectly built girls being so damn insecure with their bf. Be confident that he wont cheat damnit. My bf is in another state over 2,000 miles and I TRUST HIM! I know him well enough to trust he wont do anything stupid or to hurt me.

But whatever, what do I know right. Imma act civil to this self conscious one. Id be wrong if I did the normal senior thing and just tell her the hell off. But you know Im almost out of here, the last thing I need is more pain an more drama....for christs sake half this stuff I deal with are in daily novellas....Blogg with ya all soon :)

I want to lead my life

Is it so difficult to lead my own life. my mother is intent on running things the way she wants. Why cant it be the road that i want to choose? I got accepted to a college, 2 in fact. my mother refuses me to go, not for the money or anything but its to far. an hour is to far for her, i can understand 4 hours, but sometimes the bird has to fly from the nest. All my life I have had to live by the strict ruling of my parents. No you cant go to so an SOs birthday party, no you cant go trick or treating, no you can call or see this person. Now its my turn and time to be on my own and they still wont let me even choose the path I want. Take for instance my career choice. I want to be a music teacher or just a straight up elementary school teacher. I love little kids and get along with them so well. I love English and adore music, I think I would be an awesome teacher. The minute I said it out loud to my mother and father they flipped out. My dad suggested I work for sanitation, they make more money than teachers. Is our society so shallow that all we care about is that soul dollar? Are we that inept to people and what their wants are that we choose to live our lives threw them. My father never finished HS, but in yet he has the nerve to scold me when I get a 75. You have to be in the right standings to critique someone.

I have never seen my parents as parents. They to me have always been a problem that being their child I have to deal with. not for long mind you, but the BS they pull is a bit much. not only am I as their daughter, to show respect and never get it back. But also I am to succumb to their whim. So say I have plans, and they want me somewhere. Doesn't matter if I told them in advance, doesn't matter if I wasn't warned I am to drop everything and do as I am told. And for the last 10 years I have been doing so. I haven't complained I haven't gripped like most teens would have done. I don't leave the house on a weekend, i never go out, and I only speak to friends on Internet or at school. i have never snuck out and I have never been with a guy in my life. but in yet i am held in a ivory tower where the only way to communicate with the outside world is this laptop. After a while YOU GO A LITTLE NUTS!!!!! Now its my time, my time to seek the world, to travel to explore and to seek out my own destiny. What do i get? A slap in the face, and basically no respect for it.

I know my mother was lying to me when she said we didn't have the money for this college. 1, she makes more than 100 G. 2, She keeps changing her story up every time. first it was because of my brother, being that he failed school again and will be in the 5Th grade another year he needs sylvan. THE BOY NEEDS RITALIN! Next shes talking about distance, shes such a 2 face liar. I wish she would just come out an say what she wants to say, instead she beats around the bush expecting me to take whatever it is shes peddling and swallow that down. No more of this. I am threw with the chauvinistic lifestyle I NEVER PICKED! How is it that people think that they can buy their way into a child's heart and expect them to be happy 24/7. I do believe my parents spoiled my brother for the worst. He will be a 50 year old virgin for sure, living with them forever until they die, but me...no...I have dreams I have plans i have goal unlike him. I want more out of life then just to have a place in NY and have a few kids, I want success I want achievement and here In Queens I am not gonna get it.

Now I'm stressing. Stressing to find a job for the summer or 2. Stressing for scholarships cause I am going to my college choice weather they like it or not. And stressing about school now and my love life. I just wanna live, is that so hard to ask for? I'm not asking for the extravagant life, like living on 5Th ave sipping highballs at local clubs...no...I just wanna have my own, be my own and look like my own without leering eyes at the back of my head and people telling me what i should or should not do. I have had enough, a decade of being told which direction i should go in without my consent is enough to deal with. I know plenty of people who would have just gone buck wild the minute they are confronted with my kind of life. This I kid you not. Even the rare friends that have seen my home life look at me in pity. I know it could be worse, but it could be a million times better if my parents would just let me live my life and make my own mistakes instead of scaring me to pieces on the mistakes that others make. All the while making me fearful of the world and curl up in a little ball. Deep down I suppose that's what they wanted, and its fucked up and sad.

Cascaded Tears

Looks as if my friendship is over with a long time friend. Friend for 3 yrs and he kills me off cuz of a girl I introduced to...I guess Im stung a little bit. Im detatching them from my life now the both of them. Hes somewhat of a tool 2 him. he states he doesnt have to abide by her, but he carries her things waits for her outside of class outside of school to walk her. He wont talk 2 me cuz it makes her angery, he use to be a free spirited mind and open to anything. Now hes just like the rest of the guys in my school. Tools to their women willing to please no matter how dumb they act or mean they can be to others. I tell me bf (yea Im taken) that dont try and please me 100% of the time. I dont expect him 2. Hell I expect him to argue with me when Im wrong and tell me how he feels. Not surpresse it like a dumb ass and let it burst a few days later. But recently this pissed me the hell off



Im walking with a friend of mine and hes there. I smile at him and he looks right past me. Takes a few things to upset me. and that is NUMBER 1!



To look past a person as if there not there is some what the equivalent of a slap in the face to me. Now were walking and its pouring rain. I wait for him to say somethin to me but he never does, On a usual he says hello or pushes me like the good old days. None of that. Then he says he has to go and walks in another direction away from us. Now Im walking alone to the train. when I get there soaking wet who do I see. I see him and hes with his GF. Now I dont mind if he wanted to go back and wait for her he coulda said hey Yo Imma go back for her. That woulda been all and cool. But he had to walk around me his friend so he can go to her. Thats a high ass addiction to one person. I mean I am all for the gf bf scene, i am a die hard romantic. But I cant stand the ppl who have to be with there gf or bf 24/7. That proves to the world and urself that you are just a sad excuse of a person. You need another person to cling to to completle your already lacking personality. He had a good one until he mingled with her, I wish him happiness dont get me wrong but hes changed and not for the better. Hes beckom a walking tool, and personally I dont associate with tools anymore, all they do is talk talk talk about their using other.



I mean she has threatened to break up with him, and this is wat gets me the absolute most about this bitch. She threatened tp break up with him 110 times, and the strong guy I know woulda brushed it off. Told her if she wanted to, go ahead and do it, and call her on her bluff...(which it is every single time cuz she knows she wont find anybody better..EVER. No1 puts up with her crap like him.) But he made a fatal mistake



When she threatened he falls in line..HE HAS NO BACKBONE ANYMORE, SHE STRIPPED HIM OF THE 1 THING I REPSECTED MOST. Idk if he knows it but he has lost all respect I have ever had for him ever. I wont get it back and he has lost me as a friend forever. I remember his confidence and his dominance as if it were yseterday instead of a yr ago. Slowly but surly that harpy killed my frined, and I wont forgive her for it. And the sad point is that at 1 point I had so musch admiration for her, shes a dead memory to me as well. I never wanted to admit it but I admired how she took charge and took nothing from no 1. Now I see shes a sad sight, nothing to admire for she has no personality of her own and leaches off another to make herself sound bigger.



What happened to my rebelliouse guy friend who brushed things off and laughed? My best friend who threw thick an thin cheered me up when I was down? The one person who has seen me threw the hell and heaven, seen me threw the dark and light? The one person I saw as my other half and the older brother I always wanted. My brother, my rock and protector......are you out there? Guess not aymore. I close the book on this chapter, but it was a good run just sad it ended this way. Slowly but surely we drift upon our memories of 1 another